Return Of The Jedi

Hey there Tumblr.

I haven’t seen you in ages. A lot has happened since I began this blog 6 months ago. I guess it’s time I updated this puppy haha.

I moved. Several times. The place I am at now feels like it will be as permanent as my life can manage. I now live in a house of 5 plus 4 cats. Shayne and his finance’ Kelly live in one room. Shayne’s friend Anthony in in the second room and me and my girlfriend Jamie are in the last room. We have a nice townhouse pretty close to downtown Denver. 

The last place I was in was a relative nightmare. I lived with a crazy stripper who was openly cheating on her husband while he was off at boot camp. There was far too much drama at that place.

The place I lived at before that was with a family of vegans. Jamie and I moved there when we lost our place before that. I lived there when I came out as trans.

I am back working at King Soopers again. I work 3am to 1130am three times a week and 730am to 4pm two times a week. I stock the health and beauty items. It’s a pretty physical job that leaves my back shoulders neck and legs in total knotts after working all day.

I had a short trip to San Diego to see family about a week ago. Overall it went great! I finally showed my family what fire poi was and how much it meant to me. I’ve been doing poi for about 4 years as a hobby and the only time I ever showed my parents was about 3 months after I started and was completely horrible at it. It was refreshing to finally show my family my art.

My dad and his wife are moving to Singapore for a year or so for his new job. I want to come out to him before he goes but I don’t know how. I think him seeing my hair the way it is might be starting to clue him in. I told him and Lisa several years ago when they found my hidden stash of girl clothes in my closet. (kind of an ironic place to store them while I was also in the closet.) 

Overall my life is going OK. I’ve dealt with the fact that hardly any of my friends want to talk to me anymore. I”ve discovered who my true friends are. I am grateful for everyone I still have in my life. Without all of their support I would have gone mad by now. Well, more mad than a trans person already is.

Well I’m exhausted so I’ll leave it there for now. I have a computer again so I will be posting more often from now on and making videos too. 

Muah!

Riley<3

I cant wait until I have peace at home.

A Rose By Any Other Name

My name is Riley. I am a woman. I always have been. I take a great amount of pride in knowing myself that well. It takes a lot of gusto to be that true to yourself. And it takes even more to be that true to other people. We as human beings want to be loved. It’s in our programming. And so when a person such as myself comes along, something gets a little lost along the way. The need to protect yourself becomes greater than your need to be loved. And so we withdraw. We become silent in the background in the hopes that no one will notice the odd one at the back of the row. On the flip side, there are those who act out. In a fit of anger, confusion and denial we detract the attention from our personal struggle by offering forth recklessness and contempt for authority. Most people see this disguised cry for help as proof that the individual is a bad person. This is not the case, they are merely hurting and don’t know what to do with themselves. It isn’t easy to come to terms with yourself. It can lead to sadness and depression if left alone. I don’t know the numbers but the suicide rate for trans people is way higher than that of cisgender people. The rate of unemployment is also way up there. It doesn’t make sense. A person has a right to be happy. Period. 

The good news is that there are ways to help trans people feel more included in your life and also their own too. Call them by the name that they have chosen for themselves. That in itself is probably the strongest thing you can do to provide support. Use the proper pronouns that they identify with. If she is a she then call her her. If he is a he then say him. And don’t rule out third genders and all the other parts of the giant trans umbrella. Every person is unique and feels a certain way, so why not help their self confidence levels by addressing them as who they are, not what you see.(unless they transitioned already haha). These are things that I know would help me feel better about myself so I’m sure they will benefit others as well. 

I’ll come up with more soon.

Luv Ya!

Riley<3

Once More, With Feeling…

Hi tumblr! Ive missed you. It’s been a while huh? A lot’s happened in my life since then. I’ve been through hardships. I’ve been through miracles. I’ve done stupid things. And I’ve done wonderous things. I have gained new perspective. And I have gained new passion. In the past few months my life has hit the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. I have had many different realities revealed to me. They showed me that I was lying to myself, even without knowing it. I have grown. It wasn’t easy. It won’t be easy. But nothing of value is ever easy to acheive. I have many things of value in my life worth fighting for. And so I shall. For when I value something, every effort is made to ensure it becomes reality. I value my Girlfriend. My freedom. My hobbies. My friends. My home. And my identity. I know it isn’t easy to see someone change, but don’t think of it like that. Think of it as revealing the truth. The truth that I have fought so hard to hide my entire life out of fear. And so with my newfound vigor comes a sense of pride. I am what I am. But I am also who I am. Who I am is a compassionate individual. I play. I love. I laugh. And I encourage those around me to reach their greatness. I guess the point of all this ramble is a promise. I promise to be the best me I can be, so that those I help, can be the best they can be. Even in the darkest of hours, the smallest flame can infinitely illuminate the world.

<3Riley

Okay seriously. Reblog if you’re OLDER than 13.

23 Thanks :)

mysocalledgender:

WAYYYY older sadly, technically I could of taken a few years of partying after high school and still had a 13 y/o kid by now lol

(Source: lmaogtfo)

It sucks when everything you ever held dear to you wants to be as far away from you as possible. 

Hindsight

After coming out to everyone I trusted I discovered that very few people that I knew could handle it. People that I had been great friends with suddenly want nothing to do with me. It’s been a huge let down and extremely depressing. I lost my girlfriend. I lost my best friends. I should have never come out. Yeah being in the closet hurts, but being alone hurts more. I dont know what to do anymore.

Riley

Happy Birthday Jamie. I Love You.

To Friends,

People are complex creatures. We love at first sight. We hate over petty things. We create elaborate works of art. We attack without reason. We ponder greatness. We lament failure. A person’s worth is determined by fleeting thoughts. And levels of respect can fluctuate like the tide. The whimsical attitude of friends towards each other can be equated to the cycles of menstruation: sometimes you get heavy amounts of attention and sometimes next to none. People have their own lives to live. Everyone has that one pressing matter to which all other things seem to pale in comparison. It’s as if all the world melts way until all that is left is the tunnel vision focused on that one main objective.

It astounds me that years of trust and friendship can be done away with in a matter of minutes. What was thought to be a solid friendship full of trust and respect now seems to be people barely aware of each other existence and nothing more. It hurts. To try to contact someone, to try to have a conversation, to try to have basic human interaction all seem to be out of the question now. There is only so much one can do. I can bust my ass, improve my level of self worth, and try to strike up a chat with you all I want, but if you are unwilling to let me prove that I am still a human being with things to offer this planet, then I don’t know what else to do. In the last few months, I have been more open and honest than I have ever accomplished in my life, and you don’t treat that as anything of value. You tell me to look hard at myself. You tell me to improve this and that and that too. Oh, and that one over there as well. But why? I know I am a good person. I know I make a difference in this world. So then what do I do? That’s just it. I don’t know. I could sit around and mope. I could go intentionally start a fight. I could go to my girlfriends party at the club like I’ve been planning on all week. Or I could say fuck this shit and just leave town. And I’ve actually been recommended to do that. But I won’t. I love Jamie too much. She is my world. I’m sad that she was made to choose friends over me. Actually, I’m fucking livid. I should be the one that got to go. I am the one who deserves it. I have literally been though hell these last few months. We have. My girlfriend and I. The one person I should be able to see and there are people who don’t want me to? ON HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY!!???! That’s pretty low whoever you are. It’s pretty sad that you don’t feel like you can be in a crowded club with me. Am I that poisonous? Am I just that bad of a person that you can’t be seen with me? The answer is no. I am not the bad person I am being made out to be. And no one will let me plead my case. Friends that I have thought of as family for a long ass time don’t want anything to do with me. And they don’t want Jamie to have anything to do with me. Newsflash: SHE IS MY GIRLFRIEND. Why don’t you let her and I make the decisions that pertain to our life, to our future. I don’t know who you are, but even if I did, I still wouldn’t go intervene in your shit. And that’s because I respect you. Whether you respect me or not. I appreciate you, whether you appreciate me or not. And I love you, whether or not you love me. And that is called taking the moral high ground. See you can try to fuck with me. You can try to tear me down and you can do everything in your power to make mine and Jamie’s life miserable. But it won’t work. And congratulations asshole, you gave Jamie the birthday present of stress, worry, anger and unhappiness. I hope you realize that. You made Jamie choose between a group of friends and me ON HER FUCKING BIRTHDAY! What the hell kind of birthday present is that? You should be ashamed of yourself. And I hope whoever you are, that you get to see this. I don’t know who you are, and I don’t want to know. I don’t need to know. I hope you are happy. We could have all had a great night together. But now the one person who deserves the world from each and every person she knows is getting less than par from someone, and you know what? It wasn’t me this time. Congrats dick.

Pool

Beating The Dead Horse

Yesterday I got to see some old friends. I went apartment hunting with Allison and Kelly from the King Soopers I used to work at. It was great to see them:) We went to a little Italian Cafe’ for lunch which was absolutely delish! After that I got to reunite with another old buddy named Steve and got to meet his girlfriend for the first time too. We went out to Village Inn for free pie night and had a blast! Allison already knew about my trans* status but I was able to come out to the other 3 with a lot of support from all of them:D It was so nice to be able to bring it up in casual conversation, confirm it, get their reactions and input and then go back to talking about other things with giant smiles on. I wish that all my coming outs go like this one:)

On a completely unrelated note, I’m worried about my girlfriend Jamie. She is working herself to the bone between two jobs and isn’t mentally resting on her time off. She has so much stress in her life that she isn’t taking care of herself physically. A lot of that stress is bills piling up because we don’t have the funds to take care of them yet. I don’t know what to do. Any help I try to offer isn’t what she was looking for so she refuses it. Bringing up my concerns to her make her feel like I’m attacking her. And I can’t bring this up to any of our friends because that would be betraying her trust. I feel like everything I do is somehow wrong to her. I try to make her laugh. I try to make her smile. But nothing seems to work. I need help. We need help. Help me world please…

Riley

The 99%

People interact with each other in a myriad of ways. There is love and hate. Pride and prejudice. There is persecution and forgiveness. Punishment and protection. There is also public interaction and private interaction. Probably one of the most influential ways one can interact with others happens without them even knowing it’s happening. Let’s take the internet for example. (Since it’s probably the best example to be had because that’s petty much how the internet works in the first place.) People could be lurking around every corner and nobody would ever know unless someone actually spoke up and said something about it. I could have John Elway, Baraak Obama or Cher looking a my blog and I would never know unless they said something. Like I know there are people reading this right now who have never said anything to me. I know there will be people in the future who will never say anything about reading my blog. And that’s fine :). I respect your need for privacy. But to those of you who have or will come forward about reading my blog and would like to discuss the topics I write about, thank you! I love you! It makes me happier than you know. And do you know why? Because it means I’m not in this alone. Just the mere knowledge of someone reading these very words is enough to send me to the moon. After 22 years of discussing my true feelings on life and about myself to practically no one, it feels good to finally just let it out. After coming out as a transgender woman to a big amount of my friends exactly one month ago, my life has been that of nothing short of magic. I’ve noticed that as I have been sorting out my demons from my past, living my life in the now has become easier. I’ve notice that as I became more and more at peace with myself, opportunities have sprung up right and left. Opportunities to learn hard life lessons. To strengthen my friendships. To make the necessary changes to be whole. If I’ve taken nothing else from the last month, I’ve learned that coming out is as much of a process for everyone around me as it is a personal journey. There is no magic confetti that falls from the clouds. There is no drum roll followed by applause. There is only you and them. Believe me when I say this, don’t try to make light of the situation. Be straight forward. This will help your “audience” to understand that it is a serious situation. It will also help you avoid the probing questions afterward of “so are you joking? or what?” This isn’t something anyone in their right mind would joke about. When someone makes an announcement like that, they most likely considered all of the likely things in their new life path. While trans* livelihood is getting better, it’s still a lifestyle I would avoid if I knew it to be conflicting to who I am on any level. Lucky for me, it is me. I have come to terms with who and what I am on every level. And I embrace it. I love the fact that I am trans* because it makes me more unique than 99% of the population on the planet. And besides… who wouldn’t want to be a woman? We rock!

Nom Nom Nom :P

<3Riley